I'm going to Thailand. And so?

I won't die there. The very very very worst, the protestors won't let our aeroplane land in their airport and we'll make a few circles in the sky till the aviation fuel runs out. Don't worry I'll learn how to use the oxygen mask.

Or when we're checking in at the airport over there, the protestors happily decide to hold their demonstrations at the chiangmai airport as well. I'll sleep on the floors of the airport till other foreigners get frustrated and invite the attention of the press. That's good! Then people can see my face on the news.

But no lah, nothing will happen yah? I hope my name will be registered with the Embassy. But in case something does happen, like choy not death but maybe left stranded on some ulu place, please remember that I love you. Every single one of you. And remember to tell this to those who hate me too.

I wonder what's wrong with me nowadays..I just want to be left in my own world and degenerate. I don't want anything, I don't need anything, I don't want to ask for anything, I try not to miss anything, I don't want to show anybody anything. I just want to go to some place myself and stone there. Am I mad or what, are these symptoms for a new disease?

Maybe it can be called something similar to brain dead...heart dead?

I'm afraid when I tell people such things, they'd think I'm whining or complaining or I'm just plain immature. They will throw you the "hey you 20 year old big woman, it's time you figure out a solution yourself? Stop wasting my time and just get on with life".

The problem is, I don't even know what's my problem?

The voices of the world sound faint. The voice of the Lord sounds even more feeble. And it's not that I'm being a rebellious kid, I just don't want to do anything, yeah just like the symptoms mentioned above. So, is my human life affecting my spiritual life, or my spiritual life affecting my human life? Are they not the same?

Oh, there's probably just one thing that I would still want to do. I want to watch Alice in Wonderland again. Yup, not watch a person nor any other living thing, I'll settle for just a screen and Alice. Things don't have feelings, don't give feelings, don't hurt feelings.

And meanwhile I'll continue wearing a mask. Muahaha. If you're like harbouring ill intentions, stay away from me. If you just want to make use of me, stay away from me. If you just want to get near to me for the sake of getting near to me, stay freaking far away from me. If you wouldn't even bother to have anything to do with me, then continue staying away from me. Understood-ed?

But then again, I'm not a freak. If you talk to me, I'll still answer. Just like a normal person.

Such a freak.